Youthful Wisdom–Part 2

As I stated in my previous post, I have been struggling with how to mentor as a woman in my late twenties who has only been married four years and whose oldest child is only two–not much life experience.  For the past few months, I have been doing my own study of the book of Job.  As I said, this is my own study.  I’ve not used a commentary yet, a book study, or a devotional.  That’s all to say that my findings will likely have flaws.

My new hero in the faith is Elihu.  Here is a man who is much younger than Job and the three friends but who, amazingly, is the only one not rebuked by God for his words.  This man intrigues me, and I am becoming more and more amazed by him the more I read.  I used to think that Elihu was just a man whom God had imparted with much wisdom, and I used him as yet another defense for all those who believe young people don’t have as much wisdom as older people (ironically, I now mainly agree with that belief). 

Job 33 is now one of my favorite passages.  It is when Elihu first really approaches Job.  Elihu has been watching his friends go back and forth with each other about Job’s righteousness for quite some time.  Elihu is forming an opinion during the discources, but even though he has seen sinfulness from both sides, he remains silent until all discources are finished.  Why?  Here is what I’ve discovered.

First, he understands he is young and these men are old.  He believes in his heart they have more wisdom than he, and he trusts them to speak with that wisdom.  He never loses his faith in them until they are finished, just as we should never assume our wisdom is greater than someone else’s. 

Second, Elihu is a man of great humility.  He says in verses 6 and 7, “Behold, I belong to God like you; I too have been formed out of the clay.  Behold, no fear of me should terrify you, nor should my pressure weigh heavily on you” (emphasis mine).  He knows he is just a man and should not be feared.  He is admitting he could be wrong and that it is only God’s perception that is flawless.  It is only God who should be feared.

Third, he wants to make sure he has listened carefully and fully understands before speaking.  About a year ago, Bill, with my full support, approached a brother about a sin we had seen repeatedly in his life.  We believed we were justified in pointing out this sin.  We had prayed about it, watched carefully to make sure we were right, and had even heard bad reports about this brother from other members of the church.  We felt we had enough evidence.  Here’s how we approached him, though: we wrote him a letter.  How foolish!  We weren’t even bold enough to approach this brother face to face, which means we were throwing accusations in his face without even giving him a chance to explain himself.  We didn’t care about what he had to say.  We only cared about being right.  Elihu, on the other hand, doesn’t jump to conclusions.  He gives Job the benefit of the doubt and wants to make sure he fully understands what is going on.  He shows true love to his friend.  The same principle should apply with any conversations we have.  We should be more concerned with listening than talking.

Fourth, and this really goes along with some former points, Elihu repeatedly asks Job to speak to correct him if needed, keeping with his humble approach.  Elihu is not looking for the praise of men.  He only cares about speaking what is right and speaks for God with trembling.

Fifth, in verse 32 Elihu says to Job, “If you have anything to say, answer me; speak, for I desire to justify you” (emphasis mine).  Whereas Job’s three friends only wanted to hear Job say, “You are right.  I am wrong,”  Elihu only desires for Job to be restored to God.  He wants Job to be right!  What amazing love and discernment!  

Though Job’s three friends in their arrogance seem unbelievable at times, I think Elihu is much more unbelievable in his humility.  I can’t imagine having a heart that pure, a heart that cares nothing for my own glory but only for the glory of God, a heart that strives to lift others up with no concern for self.  Elihu is the opposite of myself.  I am a woman who loves to teach and have people tell me, “Well done!  I have learned so much from you.  Thank you.  You changed my life!”  I care more about my own good than the good of those around me. 

Through the example of Elihu, I feel even more unqualified to mentor others, but I also know that God has given me experiences and trials that could be beneficial to others.  As Job says, every good and bad thing is a gift from God that is an outpouring of His grace.  Though we don’t deserve these gifts, He still calls us to use and share them.  I have of late been praying for God’s grace to give me a heart like Elihu’s in loving others, and I have faith that He can and will.   

Any thoughts?

Youthful Wisdom–Part 1

Bill has been in the vocational ministry since he was 20 years old, and when we started, we thought we were God’s gift to the world.  Since then, God has graciously been teaching us that instead of having all the wisdom of youth we once thought we had, we are much more ignorant than we originally thought.  It seems the more we learn, the more we discover we need to learn.  We are finally seeing that most wisdom really does come with age.

As we began discovering this truth, we slowly began losing the desire to lead and began gaining a desire to learn from those older and much wiser than us.  We both desired for a godly man and woman to be put in our path that we could learn from.  Then we came to Sojourn.  It’s time for my usual plug here–Sojourn is the greatest, and I mean greatest church in the world (I hope all of you feel the same about your churches, but you would be wrong)! 😉  A small difficulty with Sojourn, though, is that there are only a handful of older people, and when I say older I mean older than us.  Most of the “older” people are only in their fifties.  Because our church is so large, it is impossible for each member to be mentored by an older person.

I was discussing this dilemna with a couple of other women in the church, and they reminded me that God put this church together just the way it is.  It might be easier and faster sometimes to have an older person teach us things, but God has given all of us gifts that we can use to help others while at the same time learning from others who have different strengths than us.  Therefore, we should all use the gifts God has given us no matter the season (or age) in life.  It is the way He set up His church to grow. 

I thought that I should never offer advice or counsel again until I had a bit more life experience, but the situation we are in has forced me to reevealuate things a bit, especially since I was recently asked to begin mentoring young married and engaged women.  I don’t want to fall into the same sinful pattern of thinking I’m wise enough and great enough to show someone how to be godly, so I have begun praying about the best way to mentor someone.  God began revealing many things to me through a passage that teaches about approaching a brother or sister about a sin.  Though this is not a direct passage on mentoring, I am discovering that many of the principles, especially matters of the heart, really go hand in hand.  If I included my discoveries in this post, it would be far too long, so I will give my findings tomorrow.  I know, the suspense is killing you. 🙂   

Cows?

We have been in Southern Indiana two nights this week looking for houses.  As a result, we have ended up doing the fast food thing two nights in a row (looking forward to home cookin’ tonight).  As we were standing in line at Burger King, Liam suddenly looked at me, raised his arms in a shrug, and asked, “Where are cows?”  I was very confused for a moment until I realized the last restaurant we had been in was Chick-fil-a.  I guess Liam thought that each fast food restaurant would have a giant cardboard cutout of a cow holding a sign.  How did I respond?  Well, in my usual sensitive manner, I laughed hard and said, “Honey, you’re getting ready to eat that cow!” 🙂

The Greatest Marriage Advice, Ever!

Bill and I were exercising by the river with the kids in the stroller when we came across a couple of men fishing.  One of the gentlemen stopped us to ask our opinion on the Michael Vick fiasco.  During the conversation he started asking about our kids and found out we were expecting our third.  His first question to Bill was, “Are all three kids yours by this same woman?”  After Bill’s response (which was yes in case you’ve wondered before), the gentleman said, “Let me give you some marriage advice I wish I had known before I got married.”

1)  “No matter how mad you get at her, don’t bruise up her face and beat her over and over.  Just keep in mind how it would feel if you got beat up like that.”

2)  “Understand when she’s wrong that you’re wrong sometimes, too.  Just let her have her way so you don’t have to fight.  It ain’t worth it.”

3)  “It’s cheaper to keep her than to leave her.  It’s a pain to be dragged to court and have to pay child support.  Just stick with her.  It’s easier that way.”

🙂

Gospel Transformation

As I have posted before, I have been going through a kind of spiritual drought for some time now.  No matter how much I don’t want to, I keep wallowing in self-pity and imagining a life better than the one I have.  I keep trying and trying to be pure, but the more I try the more sinful I become.  The more I put forth effort, the more I get frustrated and want to give up altogether.

Bill and I have been praying for my discouragement for quite some time, and though I can’t pinpoint a specific time, God is now (in His perfect timing) answering that prayer.  A few weeks ago, I broke down weeping in prayer and realized not just my sinfulness, but God’s grace and the power He has to change anything about me. 

I began to really see that I am a “do, do, do” person.  Because Bill and I feel so strongly about gospel-centrality, I will be the first person to teach that you can only change through the grace of God; however, I am the last person to live by that principle.  I still want to read the latest book about how to be a great mom, wife, mentor, friend, etc. and follow the amazing principles to succeed.  I’m still determined to use the “if/then” method.  “If I only do this, then this will happen.”

I know I’m thick, but I am just beginning to understand the reality that I absolutely cannot do anything apart from God’s grace.  We just began membership classes at our church, and our lead pastor was talking about the different personalities of people who are not focused on the gospel.  One was the person who is always focusing on his/her sinfulness apart from the gospel.  I realized my pastor was describing me.  I have just begun understanding the gospel in the past year, and I knew one of the first things to do was to realize your sinfulness.  Well, I stopped there.  I eventually came to the point of despair.  This despair has led to legalism, trying to prove I’m good enough since it’s obvious to me I’m not.

What has happened is that in my pursuit of humility, I have forgotten the most important and freeing part–my sins are paid for and my God is more powerful than my sins.  Of course I’m unable to do anything good.  I’m a finite human being.  But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  All I have to do is rely on His grace and trust Him to do it. 

I know to several of my amazing, godly girlfriends who read this blog, this is a “duh” statement.  You may be wondering how in the world I’ve missed this.  I’ve missed it because I don’t have faith like I should.  I want my own glory and praise.  God, though, is revealing it to me in spite of myself, and I have been enjoying the sweetest fellowship with Him I have ever known.  My eyes are being opened to freedom, true freedom and weightlessness.  For the first time, I am preaching the true gospel to myself, and my life is being transformed by leaps and bounds.

ICAN

As many of you know, I had to have an emergency c-section with Ariana.  Though both baby and I were healthy and the delivery was much easier (no pushing and out in 20 minutes), the recovery was not to be desired.  I was on bed rest for two weeks and couldn’t pick up anything heavier than my newborn, which means I couldn’t pick up Liam. 

In Louisville, it is pretty standard that if you have had one c-section, doctors will refuse to allow you to deliver vaginally again.  Because Bill and I were not keen on this idea, we began to do research.  Every piece of research we found, including the AMA and ACOG, shows that VBACs (vaginal births after c-section) are safer than repeat c-sections.  We never found any evidence to support anything different; however, in our sue-happy society fewer and fewer doctors agree to perform VBACs because of law suits. 

We found an organization whose purpose is to increase c-section awareness and push for more VBACs (no pun intended).  It is called ICAN of Louisville.  I went to a meeting a couple of weeks ago and learned a lot.  I would encourage you to check out their site sometime, especially if you are dealing with this problem or know someone who is.  It is full of several helpful resources and articles.

One thing I found out is that I will basically have to go to Southern Indian and deliver at Clark Memorial Hospital if I want a VBAC.  Many doctors there and the hospital are supporters of VBACs and natural deliveries.  Though I am not excited about the idea of changing doctors and hospitals, the more I’m finding out about Clark, the more calm I’m becoming. 

I ask you to pray for a few things for us. One, that I will have the strength I need to tell my current doctor I am changing.  I see him today, and he has been a huge blessing to our family.  We have no desire to leave him, but he isn’t willing to perform a VBAC.  Two, please begin praying for this delivery even now.  I have had bad experiences with both deliveries, and it was only by God’s grace that I got to deliver Liam vaginally.  Please pray that a c-section will not be necessary.  Three, would you begin praying for this child’s (and Liam and Ariana’s) souls, that God would call them to Himself and that they will learn to desire Him above all things and glorify Him always?  It’s never too early.  

The Ordinary Life of an Ordinary Man

Before I begin, I want you all to know how much I love, respect, and cherish my wife.  If you haven’t read it, she left a comment on my last post that reminded me again how amazing she is.  This remarkable woman sacrifices so much every day for me and for our kids, yet she took the time to honor me publicly.  How I love her and thank God for her!

And now to the post…

I grew up loving movies, novels, and comic books.  I loved the thrill of adventure, the draw of the spectacular, and especially the attractiveness of the unbelievable.  In comic books, I loved finding not your everyday heroes, but superheroes.  In novels and movies, I loved science fiction like Star Trek or Michael Crichton novels.  I loved off-the-wall action like Mission Impossible or James Bond.  I was so drawn to the amazing, that I have spent much of my life imagining myself in spectacular situations, saving people, being a mutant with cool powers, flying in space, recording an album, or being on TV.  I never wanted to be ordinary.  No, I wanted to be extraordinary.

Now, I work in a cube in an office building that feels suspiciously like Dilbert.  I live in a two bedroom apartment where the air conditioning isn’t even worth acknowledging.  Both of the two cars we own threaten to fall apart at any second.  I’m not a celebrity.  And, as far as I know, I don’t have any superpowers.  I am plain ordinary.  This may seem ridiculous, but I’ve spent so much of my life imagining saving the day or being a household name that living an everyday life feels like a letdown.  I sometimes look around and wonder, “Is this really it?”

The funny thing is that I don’t really think I’m alone.  I’ve heard countless stories of people my age and older who have expressed similar sentiments about how life isn’t nearly as interesting as an adult as we all thought it would be.  Just think about the answer you get when you ask any kid what they’re going to be when they grow up: firefighter, astronaut, actor, ballerina, etc.  Where’s the lifelong dream to be a bank teller, garbage man, or factory worker?  Almost all of us start with big dreams and then end up somewhere much less grandiose than we might have wished.  Why is this experience so common?

Two responses come to mind as I work through this in my own life.  First, I once heard a godly man discussing the different ways God has worked through history to reveal himself and save sinners.  He talked about Adam, Noah, Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David, the prophets, etc.  In the midst of this, he mentioned that it’s easy to look at the Bible and think that there were exciting, miraculous things happening every day.  But, as he pointed out, these types of things were actually atypical.  There were many times years, decades, or centuries between a grandiose display of God’s power in the world.  Most of God’s people in Bible times never saw the giving of the Law or a man rise from the dead or anything like that.  Most people just lived ordinary lives in faith, looking to the promises of God.  So I draw comfort from the fact that things really aren’t too different now.

Second, and this draws from the first, these ordinary lives are not called to be extraordinary, but to be faithful.  And in that faithfulness, we trust in God’s promises.  Without wanting to enter into any debate about the end times, the most pressing and important promise we have to look forward to at this point in history is the return of Jesus.  It reminds me of the title of a Chris Rice song: “Run the Earth, Watch the Sky.”  We’re here on Earth living out what feels to be a mundane life, yet we constantly look to the sky to see the Lord returning on the clouds.  And to bring this discussion back around to where I started, it reminds me of a Switchfoot song that says, “We want more than this world’s got to offer…and everything inside screams for second life.”  I think we want so much more out of this life because we feel like there ought to be so much more.  But this life isn’t all there is.  There is a new creation that everything around us is groaning for, though we don’t always realize it.  And while we should learn to be content with our lives, it’s not a contentment that says this is the best it will get.  It’s not.  But it’s probably the best we’ll have in this life.  I am convinced the yearnings we feel for greater joy are really God given cravings for “second life.”

In the end, the ordinary lives we lead are exactly the lives God has given us.  Resentment about them is a lack of faith in God, for we are saying that what God has given us isn’t good enough for us.  But a kind of discontentment that says “I don’t want this life forever–I want something better” looks to the sky while we run on this earth, serving Jesus with our bodies and minds.  May it be so for you and me that we live every day to the fullest service and enjoyment we can while looking to sky eagerly awaiting Jesus to give us rest for our weary souls.

Why I “Left the Ministry”

This post has been a long time coming.  Many have asked over the last nine months why I stopped going to seminary, stepped down from vocational ministry, and went into the business world.  My answer is neither extremely easy or simple.  But I will try to lay it out there as concisely and straightforwardly as possible.

I first went into vocational ministry as an interim music minister in Paducah when I was twenty years old.  I filled that position for sixteen months until a godly man was found to take over permanently.  Incidentally, this took place a month before Court and I packed ourselves up to move to Louisville for seminary.  Within a month of relocating, I accepted the position of music and media director at a church thirty minutes from the seminary.  So, there I was: a young seminary student, eager to learn and serve in ministry to others.  But what I know now that I didn’t know then was how stained by sin I was (and still am, really).  I hid the fact that one of the reasons I wanted to go to seminary was so that I could be the first person in my family to earn a master’s degree.  I hid the fact that my desire to “minister” was really a desire to appear wise and holy before a bunch of people who “obviously” weren’t as smart as me.  The only thing I was ministering to was my sinfulness.

But I didn’t realize this at the time.  I very, very foolishly had a high opinion of myself and the giftings God had given me.  It took a year and a half for me to begin to feel the rising levels of bitterness and discontentedness in my heart.  This, I’m sure, wasn’t helped by working midnights on the side, but I simply used that as my excuse.  I became quite convinced that there was something missing in my life and I finally began to see what it was, beginning with a conference I attended.  What was I missing?  Christ and him crucified.  To put it starkly, I saw in myself a pitiful faith that didn’t look to Christ, but looked to and depended on myself. 

Over the next months, I discovered more and more this horrible pattern in my life.  Yet, sadly, instead of humbling me and growing my faith, I became even more arrogant because I thought I knew what was really going on.  So, I became even angrier, which showed itself in decreasing love for others and an extremely divisive spirit.  After seeing myself grow worse and after a rather terrible experience (brought about by my own actions, by the way), I realized that my lack of faith and flat-out spiritual immaturity disqualified me from being in any kind of leadership position in a church.  I knew that I had no business doing what I was doing.  So, I announced my intention to step down because of my great pride and immaturity.  I remember one gentleman whom I respect greatly telling me that the heart I had expressed in my announcement demonstrated that I should be in ministry, because my actions showed humility and a heart that could lead others.  I know what he meant, but I knew that even if my actions had been humble, it was only the tip of the iceberg regarding the sinful tendencies that shrouded me.  I saw that I was young, both in spiritual immaturity and actual years.  I saw that I had only the smallest sliver of faith where my faith should have trusted and thanked God for every single thing in my life.  I saw that I was much more concerned with my glory than his glory.

As for seminary, I realized that my problems were spiritual in nature and I needed spiritual healing.  Though seminary offers many great things, it is only an academic institution.  It is not a church.  And it is not a place for spiritual growth.  That can happen, but that’s not what it really does.  I didn’t need to learn more stuff–I needed King Jesus.   So, I stopped.  Besides, I was just really tired of school and I was doing terribly because of it.  So, it just seemed to be a good time given all the circumstances at the time.

So, what was the new plan with no “ministry” and no seminary?  Well, basically the same as it is now.  First, to become a Christian in the fullest sense of that noble name–not a seminary student or a minister or a pastor or a husband or a father.  I wanted to gladly and palpably wear Christ.  Second, to learn how to minister without “the ministry.”  You may have noticed that I put “Left the Ministry” in quotation marks in the title.  That’s because every Christian ministers.  Every Christian serves.  And so, we’re trying to learn how to serve and minster without a title or a paycheck.  Third, to grow in faith in the only thing worth having faith in: God the Father, Son, and Spirit.  Without faith, it is impossible to please God.  Faith is our only door to a righteousness that makes us right with God.  Faith is the only thing that will get us through any circumstance, whether high or low.  To put it differently, I needed to learn how to trust moment by moment in the cross of Christ.  I needed to learn that any good work I did was a good work prepared beforehand by God in me and for me to do.  I needed to see each time I tried to prove myself, I was showing that I wasn’t really proving Christ.  I needed to learn what it means to love those that hate me or think little of me, to love the “sinners” all around me.  Fourth, I needed to know what it meant to be a “normal” Christian.  My Christianity had been defined by my status as a seminarian or a minister.  I needed to see if I could be a Christian in the place where most Christians exist: the real world.  I’ll talk a little bit more about that tomorrow

Well, I may have left some stuff out.  And I may have explained some things badly.  This is a difficult thing for me to write, because it still strikes my heart.  I’m ashamed of myself.  If you were there for any of what I described, then please forgive me.  But I hope you’ll see that this is just me exposing my heart to you.  And I hope it answers some questions some of you may have had.

Still, some of you may think that I did the wrong thing.  If so, I’d love to hear your thoughts because I’m convinced it was exactly what was needed.  Either way, no church needed someone like me leading it.  And no seminary class was going to fix my cold heart.  It’s down to me and Jesus (which includes, by the way, his body–thank God for Sojourn Church!).  And I’m praying that he’ll change me to make me like him. 

What I Think About Sports

So, I’m not really much of a sports guy when you get right down to it.  And sometimes that’s a little embarassing when you’re in a room full of guys talking about the end of Michael Vick’s career and you only have a vague recollection of who that even is.  To many, I look like a geek who doesn’t like sports because he was a band nerd or something.  Which…I was.  Nonetheless, it’s time to come clean: I actually like sports.

Again, this may be a bit of a shock to some of you that know me pretty well.  This is coming from the guy who has never intentionally turned on a sports game unless it was associated with finals or championships–and then only rarely.  But I still like them.  I enjoy the thrill of watching a close game or an amazing play.  I enjoy seeing people scream their brains out about a little ball.  I enjoy competition.  If a game is ever on, I really enjoy it.

What makes me different is that I don’t much care to keep up with it.  Besides, my brother Paul kept up with it well enough for the both of us.  And I think there was a small part of me that felt the need to go down a different path, even though I really like sports.  So, he did the sports thing and I did the music thing.  But we still played baseball out back or basketball down the street or football when we had enough people or volleyball or whatever.  And I loved every second of it.

So, why in the world am I taking the time to write about this on a blog?  I really don’t have a good answer.  Perhaps it’s to defend my manhood to all who would question the manliness of a man who doesn’t watch sports.  Perhaps it’s because I couldn’t come up with anything else to talk about.  Probably a little of each.  But I think it’s mainly to say that I don’t watch sports because I can’t get myself to care enough.  I really don’t care who wins the super bowl.  I’m not that concerned with who the best quarterback or pitcher is.  Home run records matter little to me.  I just don’t care.

So, here’s where I’m headed with this.  For those of you that keep up with sports, I have a question: Why?  Why does it consume so easily?  Because at the end of the day, why do we focus so much on things on TV and stats and whatever else and care so little about the God that saves sinners?  This certainly isn’t about finger pointing.  My weaknesses are movies, books, and blogs.  And I could’ve picked anything.  But I wonder why we spend so much time on trivial pursuits and don’t pursue King Jesus.  This isn’t a rhetorical question–I actually want to know what you think.  Because I want to be sharpened, too.  I want your comments to pierce to the heart of my idolatries that pull me from presenting myself to God as a living sacrifice.  So, please, please, comment.  And I hope to interact with your comments.

At the end of the day and despite the title, this really has nothing to do with sports.  I’m inviting you to examine yourselves as I examine myself to find the places where we choose sports, books, music, chores, jobs, movies, clothes, news, etc., etc. over serving God.  It may seem small or trivial.  It may be easy to think that it’s just a little diversion or it’s not a big deal.  But I’m not so sure.  And I’d like to know what you think.

Funny Bedtime Song

I thought this was rather funny.  Our kids aren’t quite old enough to fit it yet, but all in due time…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uISuvTiTYJA

By the way, there are some other funny videos to the same time if you follow the related videos at You Tube.