Note: I wrote this post before we found out we were expecting the little one now growing inside me. I am now 18 weeks along, and this baby is still healthy and thriving. The post following is referring to the child we lost last summer:
When God in His perfect plan chose not to let us meet one of our babies on this earth, I expected the grief. What I didn’t expect was for that to turn into such a sweet season. I have gotten to experience the joy through trials spoken of in James. I pray this is not misunderstood, but I find myself thankful for this miscarriage.
Please don’t get me wrong. I have definitely grieved and am still grieving from time to time. In the short amount of time between the positive pregnancy test and the miscarriage, I had already day-dreamed about this child. Would it be another girl or would the trend be broken? Will he/she ever get tired of the comments about being one of (at least) five kids, or will he respond with grace? Will she be playful like me or more of a deep thinker like the two guys in my life? Will he continue the pattern of looking like his siblings, or will he throw a complete curve ball and have bright orange or black hair? Will she love Jesus? We had even already talked about what his name would be.
I have a precious friend who, several years ago, went through a super difficult trial. She lost her sweet little baby boy when he was only 7 weeks old. On one of my posts she made this comment: “Much of our grief over losing a child has to do with grieving what we no longer have and will not have. It has more to do with grieving the future than it does grieving the past.” This has been true for me. I am sad that I won’t get to find out answers to my questions or hold this teeny one.
Though there is grief over experiences I’ll never have, there is not despair. There is joy. God works all things together for good for those who love Him. Many times we don’t get to see on this earth what the good was that was worked for His will, but God in His beautiful mercy has already revealed some of it to Bill and me in this event. We have experienced at least two big things that have already increased my faith.
One, we have had rich conversations with our children that wouldn’t have happened if not for this experience. One of our children in particular, Liam, went through a difficult grieving period. In conversations, we got to answer his difficult question of how a good God can take this baby. We got to explain how this was not a “bad choice” (Liam’s words) but sweet mercy. This baby will never experience pain, sadness, suffering, anger, but will instead only know God always. When I asked if that was a mean God who did that, I had the joy of watching understanding come over Liam’s face that God is GOOD. When he began weeping and said, “I just wanted to meet the baby. Will I ever meet him?” I got to share once again that if he follows Jesus, believing that He died and was raised for his sins, that yes, he would meet the baby, and even better, would see God face to face. God ordained those conversations, and I am certain part of the reason for the miscarriage was to open those doors of communication and reveal a bit more of Himself to Liam.
Two, we have a deeper understanding of how big God is and how He truly is in control. Almost every miscarriage happens because things don’t come together like they were supposed to. The truth is, it doesn’t make any sense that things ever come together perfectly. Do you have any idea how many things have to work “just right” to have a term pregnancy!? It’s basically impossible for it to ever happen, yet I have delivered four beautiful babies. Most of my friends who have tried to have children have been successful at least once. How? God is in control of our bodies and the bodies of the babies in us. The decision to bring a child into this world is not our decision but His, and He is the only one powerful enough to make it happen. Shortly after we met with Heather the day the miscarriage was confirmed, Bill looked at our four children and said, “I am more thankful for you now than I have ever been.” God has been amazingly good to us, and I have grown in understanding how quickly I take fertility (and God) for granted. I have a refreshing peace in this reminder that God is sovereign and once again look forward with anticipation to see God continue to reveal Himself to us.