Last night after a meeting we had at the church building, I began bleeding. This morning, my friend and doctor confirmed that I had miscarried. I have been a bit of an emotional train wreck the past 24 hours, not knowing how I’m going to feel from one moment to the next. One second I think, “This isn’t so bad. I’m think I’m already done mourning.” The next second I can’t stop the tears. I already loved this precious little one so much. I don’t know what to type right now, but I just want to get some initial thoughts out.
A little over a year ago, my labor with Miriam went so quickly that I almost delivered her at my church building. Last night, I lost a little one at that same building. I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else, though. What a blessing to be surrounded by so many friends who joyfully ministered to us so quickly. From the moment I found out I was bleeding, people ran to assist us. Lindsey ran all over the building with her baby on her hip looking for my friend and doctor Heather and for Bill. Meghan tried to help Bill find me and prayed for me with Miriam’s childcare workers, Jessica and Rosemary. Bethany and Ginger prayed with me in the parking lot. Lachlan and Terri gave me a much needed phone number. Jeff and Christine offered to watch the kids so we could go to the ER if we wanted. Jason and Johanna brought us a meal. Beth watched the kids this morning so Bill and I could go to Heather. Carrie is bringing a meal tonight. That’s not including tons of prayers and offers from so many other friends.
One of the sweetest blessing God has given me is my friendship with my doctor, Heather. What a jewel she was this morning and last night! I’m suspicious she came into the office early just to see me even though she is due with her sweet third daughter any day now, and that’s not counting the time she spent with me on the phone last night. She spent so. much. time with us, answering every question we had in her usual patient and loving way. How many people get to hear things about God’s beautiful sovereignty and our fallen bodies from their OB? How many people get a doctor that is so faith-filled and encouraging, resting in God’s grace? How many people hear their doctor say, “I love you,” or “As your friend, not your doctor, what can I do for you?” I do. I love my sweet Heather so much and am so very thankful for her.
I am a mixed bag of emotions right now. I haven’t once doubted God’s goodness. This baby was a gift from Him, and in His perfect will He took this child back. Praise Him for the time we got to rejoice in this little life! I suspect my mentor, Sue, would remind me that this is one more reflection that this isn’t the world or body I was meant for, that one day I will be with my Savior and there will be no more suffering or sorrow. What a day that will be! I am still deeply saddened, though. I know this sounds unbelievable to some of you, but my family suddenly feels really small, like there are members missing.
One thing I do want to say, mainly because my conscience doesn’t want to give any wrong impressions. During our visit with Heather this morning, she told me there was a good possibility I had something called a chemical pregnancy. To the best of my understanding, this could happen if the egg fertilized but didn’t have any genetic material, meaning there was never any true life there. It would still function like a pregnancy for a short period of time (positive pregnancy test, missed menstrual cycle) but ends in a miscarriage. I say that because I honestly don’t know what to say about what was going on in my body since it’s possible there was never actually a baby there. I’m staying away from language like “I’ll meet this baby some day” because I don’t know if there is a baby to meet. Though we may never know if this egg fertilized into a life, we don’t feel any less pain. To us, there was life inside me. We had already daydreamed about this child, even choosing a boy name (we’re running out of girl names!). I don’t really know why I feel it’s so important to let everyone know that.
Anyway, this is a long post for us, but like I said I want to get some initial thoughts out, mainly for my own record later. The best way you can love us is to pray.