The Bell Family

Random ponderings on God, life, and the humor all around us



Last night after a  meeting we had at the church building, I began bleeding.  This morning, my friend and doctor confirmed that I had miscarried.  I have been a bit of an emotional train wreck the past 24 hours, not knowing how I’m going to feel from one moment to the next.  One second I think, “This isn’t so bad.  I’m think I’m already done mourning.”  The next second I can’t stop the tears.  I already loved this precious little one so much.  I don’t know what to type right now, but I just want to get some initial thoughts out.

A little over a year ago, my labor with Miriam went so quickly that I almost delivered her at my church building.  Last night, I lost a little one at that same building.  I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else, though.  What a blessing to be surrounded by so many friends who joyfully ministered to us so quickly.  From the moment I found out I was bleeding, people ran to assist us.  Lindsey ran all over the building with her baby on her hip looking for my friend and doctor Heather and for Bill.  Meghan tried to help Bill find me and prayed for me with Miriam’s childcare workers, Jessica and Rosemary.  Bethany and Ginger prayed with me in the parking lot.  Lachlan and Terri gave me a much needed phone number.  Jeff and Christine offered to watch the kids so we could go to the ER if we wanted.  Jason and Johanna brought us a meal.  Beth watched the kids this morning so Bill and I could go to Heather.  Carrie is bringing a meal tonight.  That’s not including tons of prayers and offers from so many other friends.

One of the sweetest blessing God has given me is my friendship with my doctor, Heather.  What a jewel she was this morning and last night!  I’m suspicious she came into the office early just to see me even though she is due with her sweet third daughter any day now, and that’s not counting the time she spent with me on the phone last night.  She spent so. much. time with us, answering every question we had in her usual patient and loving way.  How many people get to hear things about God’s beautiful sovereignty and our fallen bodies from their OB?  How many people get a doctor that is so faith-filled and encouraging, resting in God’s grace?  How many people hear their doctor say, “I love you,” or “As your friend, not your doctor, what can I do for you?”  I do.  I love my sweet Heather so much and am so very thankful for her.

I am a mixed bag of emotions right now.  I haven’t once doubted God’s goodness.  This baby was a gift from Him, and in His perfect will He took this child back.  Praise Him for the time we got to rejoice in this little life!  I suspect my mentor, Sue, would remind me that this is one more reflection that this isn’t the world or body I was meant for, that one day I will be with my Savior and there will be no more suffering or sorrow.  What a day that will be!  I am still deeply saddened, though.  I know this sounds unbelievable to some of you, but my family suddenly feels really small, like there are members missing.

One thing I do want to say, mainly because my conscience doesn’t want to give any wrong impressions.  During our visit with Heather this morning, she told me there was a good possibility I had something called a chemical pregnancy.  To the best of my understanding, this could happen if the egg fertilized but didn’t have any genetic material, meaning there was never any true life there.  It would still function like a pregnancy for a short period of time (positive pregnancy test, missed menstrual cycle) but ends in a miscarriage.  I say that because I honestly don’t know what to say about what was going on in my body since it’s possible there was never actually a baby there.  I’m staying away from language like “I’ll meet this baby some day” because I don’t know if there is a baby to meet.  Though we may never know if this egg fertilized into a life, we don’t feel any less pain.  To us, there was life inside me.  We had already daydreamed about this child, even choosing a boy name (we’re running out of girl names!).  I don’t really know why I feel it’s so important to let everyone know that.

Anyway, this is a long post for us, but like I said I want to get some initial thoughts out, mainly for my own record later.  The best way you can love us is to pray.

10 thoughts on “Miscarriage

  1. I’m so sorry Bill and Courtney. We will be praying for you- that God’s perfect peace will fill your hearts.
    Love of love to you,
    Kacie and Brian

  2. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing in 2006. We had already heard the heartbeat. My progesterone level was extremely low so that’s why the baby couldn’t survive. I haven’t really talked about it much because it still hurts to think about it but I know that I will see my child again one day in heaven.
    On a brighter note, 3 months later we were pregnant again and I had a beautiful baby boy named Simon…who is 2 1/2 now!

  3. praying praying…. love you deeply

  4. Dear Courtney and Bill,

    We are praying that God will bless you with peace during this difficult time.

    We love you all!

  5. Praying God’s peace over you and your sweet family, Courtney.

  6. My Precious Friend,

    I wish I had the words to convey what I’m feeling right now. Just know that I love you and continue to pray for you. I’m bad about communicating, but you are NEVER far from my thoughts. I love y’all.

  7. Sweet friend…my heart breaks for you. I know the pain of miscarriage and will most definitely be praying for you like crazy. Because people have told me it has encouraged them in their struggles, I want to leave the link to the blog I wrote about our miscarriage and the one James wrote. May the Lord use it to encourage you. You are in my prayers friend.

  8. I am so sorry Courtney. I understand your pain. Pain that is hard to put into words. Know that we are praying for you guys.

    I wrote quite a bit on the year after my miscarriage….all the ways I delt with it. It is on my blog if you ever feel the need to read it.

    Love you guys.

  9. Courtney, I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I remember you being there for me. Please let me know if I can be there for you. Much love from the Bidwells. We are praying for you.

  10. Much of our grief over losing a child has to do with grieving what we no longer have and will not have. It has more to do with grieving the future than it does grieving the past. So whether or not this was a ‘chemical pregnancy’ or a small little child you will meet again, it is normal and good for you to grieve. It will come in waves – high and low, quick and sudden… and then not quite as high and not quite as low, not quite as quick or sudden. It is a process. Do keep writing down your thoughts, they are a window to your heart and a testimony to God’s grace! There will be hard days, there will be ‘easier’ days. But He holds you fast and binds up the brokenhearted. We love you guys and mourn this loss with you. Oh the journey of motherhood – the risks of our heart, but the joy in the reward! Cry all you want and need! LOVE you!

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