The Bell Family

Random ponderings on God, life, and the humor all around us

Summary of My Last Year on the Computer


I usually don’t enjoy receiving forwards, but I thought this one from our friend Laura was pretty funny.  

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but  that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.  

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.  

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.  

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.    
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.  

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…  Have a wonderful day….

5 thoughts on “Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

  1. That’s hysterical! Isn’t it amazing what gets forwarded around on e-mail!?!? 🙂

  2. Bill,
    I love it!!! There are enough legitimate problems and dangers in the world without creating bogus ones. I get so many of those goofy alert e-mails every week. Probably to the horror of those who send them, I choose to ignore them and go on with my very “naive” and contented life. The “Delete” button has become one of my dearest friends.

  3. This is too cute…and too true!!! I love it! How is the new house? We close on ours in early December!

  4. Congratulations, Mandy! I didn’t know you all were looking. Does this mean the owner of your house found a buyer?

  5. NO they didn’t find a buyer, but God used a close call to get our attention. The house we are buying is owned by friends who are moving and it fits our needs perfectly. We didn’t want to let this one get away from us. We were torn between risking it here or taking the leap into buying. I am glad we chose to buy. I think it is going to be wonderful! Two blocks from the church and right in the heart of downtown! It’s gonna save on so much gas LOL!

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