The Natural Birth Tuesday, Dec 9 2008

Since Esther’s birth last February, I have had several people ask me what it was like to “go natural.”  One friend recently shared with me that I will often talk about what a wonderful experience it was but haven’t ever gone into detail about it with her.  I was convicted today that I have not given God enough glory for the experience I had.  So here goes–and when I say details, I don’t mean those kind of details.

Little background first.  Liam was my first delivery.  I labored naturally for 12 hours or so, got an epidural, and had a fairly uncomplicated birth.  I loved being able to just chill while I was laboring, so I didn’t really think about going natural with Ariana at all.  Ariana’s birth began with severe contractions 1 1/2 minutes apart.  Yep, that’s how they began.  We went to the hospital as quickly as we could, and I asked for an epidural almost immediately.  After it was in, I had a short moment of relief and began feeling slight contractions again.  When I mentioned this to the nurse, she said that was fairly normal and just to let her know if they got worse.  Two minutes or so after she left the room, I clutched Bill’s arm (did I draw blood, baby?) and while weeping said, “Something’s wrong.  Go get them.  It feels like something is ripping.”  They were back in the room in no time, and before I knew it they were yanking everything out of me, getting Bill in scrubs, and running me down the hall to the surgery room.  Ariana was born 20 minutes later by emergency c-section.  The placenta was tearing away from the uterine wall, and Ariana was being strangled by her own cord.  By God’s amazing grace (thank you, Daddy!), they got my little girl breathing after a while, and she is perfectly healthy and happy today.

Because the complications I had with Ari were rare, there was no reason not to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) with Esther; however, in order to decrease chances for another c-section or uterine rupture, I needed to go naturally.  In case you didn’t get that, I wasn’t being super woman.  I did it for safety reasons.  I wasn’t looking forward to it.  I knew what labor felt like, and I had experienced severe pain.  Many times I said, “No thanks.  I’ll take my chances,” and then realized my fear was a lack of faith.  I finally plunged in to the idea but had many sobbing moments with Bill when I would succumb to fear, not to mention several nightmare filled nights.  I was terrified but continued praying for a calm knowing God was in control.

Labor began one night in February, and everything went as smoothly as possible.  I had been in the hospital for about an hour when the “witching hour” began (transition moment right before you begin to push).  This is the worst bit.  I did all the things I never thought I would do during labor–screamed, rudely pushed a nurses hand off me twice, and had to bite my tongue so I didn’t bite someone’s head off for telling me what to do.    Not to be discouraging to all you who are attempting this for the first time, but it was the worst pain I have known.  During those minutes, though, something else was going on that no one knew about.  Worship.  Over and over in my head I kept repeating, “Oh God!  This pain is so much less than I deserve.  My sin is more wretched than this pain.  I don’t understand your grace!”  I was weeping and shouting half out of pain and half out of praise.  I would not have been able to dwell on those things in that situation apart from the Holy Spirit, and I am still in awe of the beautiful way God comforted me during that time.  I had never understood grace as fully as I did in that moment.  

I plan to go naturally again when it’s this baby’s time, but this time I almost long for the difficult moments.  They are a little taste of what I have been spared from and make my sweet, sweet Savior that much more glorious.

EDIT:  Bill wanted me to share that the pain got better after the witching hour, and that time didn’t last long–only 30 minutes or so.  He thought it wise to not scare anyone away from a natural birth, and he’s right.    Thanks, Baby!

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Knowing God Quote Thursday, Jul 17 2008

A little knowledge of God is worth more than a great deal of knowledge about Him.

Knowing God, J.I. Packer

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Worthwhile Chatting Saturday, Jul 12 2008

I had mentioned in a previous post about my conviction of not having Christ-centered conversations when I was meeting with other Christians, so Bill and I have been evaluating that lately.  Basically, we came up with a few questions to help keep Christ in the middle of the conversation, most of which are on the Girl Talk blog.

When we are meeting someone new…

1.  Tell me the story of how you got together (this is an ice breaker question that really helps you learn about the other Christians, but you can obviously only use it if you’re meeting someone who is married or dating).
2.  How did you come to Christ?

When we are repeatedly meeting with someone, particularly for accountability or discipling (though they work great with any believers)…

1.  Describe your current practice of the spiritual disciplines.
2.  What passage of scripture have you been meditating on recently?
3.  What fruit of the spirit are you cultivating?
4.  What sin are you seeking to weaken?
5.  How can I pray for you?
6.  Here is an evidence of grace that I observe in your life.
7.  How are you seeking to grow in spiritual masculinity/femininity?

To get conversation going with unbelievers, Bill recommends “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.  There is absolutely nothing Christian about the book.  He is actually trying to teach you how to make sure everyone loves you–not what we’re going for here.  Bill finds it useful, though, for learning how to take the focus off self and have a sincere interest in others lives for the purpose of building relationships.  Prayerfully, that relationship will quickly turn into an open door to share the gospel.

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Ted’s Testimony Wednesday, Jul 2 2008

We had a wonderful priviledge this past weekend.  We finally got to hang out with our friends Ted and Kelly (sorry, Kacie).  There was great fellowship and more than a few laughs.  It was especially funny when Ted showed Liam his tongue trick and Liam screamed.

After the kids went to bed, we asked them to share how they became believers.  Ted shared first, and Bill and I are still talking about how much it blessed us.  First, this guy has been a believer for a couple of years now, but he’s actually excited about it still.  Though I say that tongue-in-cheek, it really seems true that most of us lose our enthusiasm after we’ve been around other Christians who have lost their enthusiasm after being around other…you get the idea.  Well, Ted hasn’t.  You would think he had heard about Jesus for the first time hours beforehand.  He truly treated the cross with the honor it deserves, as being by far the greatest news we could ever have.

Something else–his testimony was loooong.  So long, in fact, that Kelly didn’t have a chance to share her story with us because it got so late (you owe us, Kelly).  We all lovingly picked on him for talking so much, but while he was sharing I began to realize how often we put time limits on others when they are talking about God’s work in their lives.  Preachers, after all, are really pushing it when they hit the 45 minute mark.  If we were honest, we would admit that much of the time we’re “listening” to a lengthy testimony, we’re distracted by other thoughts and are relieved when the testimony is over.  What is it, exactly, that we need to get to right then?  Food prep, bed, television, sitting on the couch, reading, hobbies, errands?  Isn’t that all “dung” compared to Christ’s love, grace, and faithfulness (Phil. 3:7-8)?

As we watched Ted’s passion and heard a truly amazing story of God’s grace (aren’t they all?), we were refreshed and convicted.  We hope to have many more opportunities like this where we can rejoice in the Lord always without thinking anything is the world is more worth our time.  Maybe the next time will be Kelly’s testimony…    

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Her Mentor and Friend Friday, Apr 25 2008

Since last fall, I have had the privilege of discipling Lindsey, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met (I mean that as far as inward beauty, but she is also absolutely gorgeous on the outside).  We meet almost every week, and I grow to love her more each time.  She has a heart that truly wants to be Christ-centered in every thing she says, does, and thinks.  She has challenged me much in the past few months.

Shamefully, I didn’t know Lindsey and her husband Drew had a blog until recently, so I popped over yesterday to visit it.  As I was looking at the sidebar, I noticed one link that said “My mentor.”  I clicked on it and found she had linked to me.  I know I am technically Lindsey’s mentor, but I honestly never think of myself in those terms, so it caught me a bit off-guard.  This may seem strange, but God used those two little words to point out another area of my sinfulness–my lack of being gospel-centered in my friendships.

Technically, Lindsey and I get together so I can point her to Christ in whatever way is needed, but even in that “official” setting, I keep finding myself simply sitting down to chat.  Now, there is nothing wrong with chatting.  In fact, it’s necessary to get to know others more intimately, but it can’t stop there. First Corinthians has much to say about spiritual gifts.  At one point when Paul is on the subject, he says “When you assemble…..let all things be done for edification” (1 Cor. 14:26).  Edification means building one another up, and since all things are to be done for the purpose of the gospel, I believe he means to build each other up in the gospel.  I have to wonder what my goal is when I speak with Lindsey or any of my friends for any length of time and talk far more about myself than our mighty Savior who gives us all things.

I have a friend I call each morning at 6:30 to make sure she is out of bed (her request–I’m not some Nazi).  Instead of our usual light chat one day, I shared with her some insights I had that morning while studying God’s word, and we had a beautiful 30 minute conversation.  She took me even further in my understanding of God’s goodness, and I was so grateful I had not simply hung up the phone after saying “Good morning.”

This is making me have a different focus on my friendships.  I am realizing I need to be more intentional about focusing all conversations on God, not waste my time talking so I feel like I had an outlet.  Do any of you have ways that you specifically try to do this in your own relationships?  I would love your help in growing in this area.

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I, the Lord Your God, Am Holy Friday, Feb 15 2008

I have a confession to make.  The book of Leviticus and I have had less than a close relationship in my short lifetime.  Each time I come to this book, I come with groanings.  I have always felt it was redundant, boring, and confusing.  Since beginning my inductive study of the Bible, though, I came this time with a renewed hope that I would see something I have been missing.  Unfortunately, my study until a few days ago gave me a renewed bitterness for the book.  I have found myself most mornings saying, “There are so many types of sacrifices.  What is the difference?  It seems like they are calling the sacrifices different names but they all serve the same purpose,” or “This seems crazy!  Why are people with leprosy or women who give birth unclean and then have to make a sin offering?  It doesn’t seem like they did anything wrong.”

Each time I begin spouting off questions like this, my loving husband will say something like, “Court, why does this all make you so angry?  Are you angry because you feel like this is hindering you having a gospel-centered life or because you feel you deserve to have God’s knowledge?”  Ouch!  This poignant question always reveals one of my greatest heart issues–a pursuit of knowledge instead of a pursuit of Christ.

As always, when I feel like I am in a spiritual valley, God reveals Himself to me in a magnificent way.  The past few mornings it has been through two chapters in Leviticus.  In chapter 19, God is giving the Israelites several “do’s and don’ts,” and he followed almost every paragraph with the words, “I am the Lord your God.”  Earlier in the same chapter, He says, “I the Lord your God am holy.”  As I was reading this, my mind went to Romans 9:20.  Paul is addressing some questions the Romans are sure to ask regarding God’s sovereignty, and he responds with “Who are you, O man, who answers back to God?”  I am not holy.  I am just a human with a sinful nature and a feeble mind.  The Holy Spirit convicted me of the sin of pridefulness in my heart that is exhibited each time I want to question God’s motives for doing something.  I am not to question Him but to trust Him in all His goodness.  He is the creator, a God of order, and a God who works all things together for the good of those who love Him.  Who do I think I am?

The answer to the question of who I really am came to me as I was reading chapter 20.  In this chapter, God tells the Israelites the consequences of breaking some of these commands.  Almost every time the consequence is death or being cut off from Him.  As I looked at each sin, I knew I had committed almost all of them in some form, and I was able to rejoice once again for the core of the gospel message–I, a vile sinner, deserve nothing more than death and the wrath of God; however, in His infinite goodness and mercy, God provided a way for me to stand in His presence.  He sent His Son, who was sinless and holy, to be the one and only needed sacrifice to take away all those sins for eternity.  Now, because of that amazing grace and Jesus interceding for me, I, detestable, abhorrent, and guilty though I was, will one day stand before my great God and Savior who has taken away the sins of the world!  There is no praise that can go high enough!

Even though I don’t understand much of Leviticus, I’m grateful that God was kind to remind me that even this difficult book shows His grace and mercy in a multitude of ways.

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A Nail In His Toes Friday, Jan 11 2008

Liam and I were reading through one of his Bibles this week and came to a picture of Jesus on the cross.  This was a cartoon drawing with no blood, but Liam stopped at this picture and stared for quite a while.  He looked very concerned.  I asked what was wrong, and he said, “He has a nail in His toes.”  Liam still has a limited vocabulary compared to most other children his age, but he was able to comprehend that something was wrong with the picture, and he didn’t like the fact that Jesus had a nail in His “toes.”  I looked at Liam with tears and said, “That’s right, Baby, He did have a nail in His toes and His hands, but more than that, He didn’t even get to be in God’s presence at that time, and He was God’s perfect Son.  What’s even greater is that Jesus let bad people put those nails there without a fight so those people would never have to be out of God’s presence.  He really loves His people!” 

It was a very simple gospel presentation, and I’m sure Liam didn’t understand, but I was moved by Liam’s reaction to such a simple picture even though he doesn’t have a comprehension of pain sources yet.  How often we feel like we can only see gruesome pictures of Christ before we are affected by what He did for us on the cross (i.e. movies like “The Passion of the Christ”).  Why am I not more affected when I see a simple drawing in a toddler’s Bible, not as much for the physical pain Jesus underwent, but for the agony of having God turn His back on Him because He took our well-deserved wrath upon Himself?  This is what it means to be cross-centered–to always remember where we would be without Jesus’ sacrifice and to glory in Him daily for the freedom and joy we have if we put our faith in Him and sacrifice every aspect of our lives to Him and His gospel.  May we never boast in our own works! 

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Focus On the Good Wednesday, Jan 9 2008

Sunday, I was slightly hurt when a good-intentioned friend brought my darling little girl out of the nursery at church and said, “Dra-ma!”  Worried, I asked what had happened.  Laughing, she told me how every time one of the other babies cried, Ariana would look up at her with puppy dog eyes because she also wanted attention.  She then went on to say, “I know you’ve told me how dramatic she is before, but I had never seen it.  She was so funny!”

Looking at a teacher with attention-seeking eyes didn’t seem so dramatic to me, and I wondered why she made a big deal about it.  It struck me that the key was in those words, “I know you’ve told me how dramatic she is…”  She was focused on it because I had brought her attention to it. 

All children are sinful, and there are definitely appropriate times when we should discuss their sinfulness with others.  One such time would be when seeking counsel about how to deal with the sinfulness from someone who has experience in that area.  However, as a mom I tend to only draw people’s attention to the evil in my children instead of the good.  This is a form of my pridefulness.  I don’t want others to think I’m vain about my children; instead I want them to think I’m a good mother who is aware of every area of sin that my children show (a.k.a. that I’m not one of those parents who somehow manage to overlook their child’s obvious sinful patterns–please note sarcasm toward myself) .  

God began convicting me deeply that day about my attitude toward my children.  Why do I never tell people how fun and joyful Ariana is or how concerned she gets when any member of the household is upset?  Why do I not talk about how easy-going she is (especially considering she has a two-year old brother)?  Why do I rarely talk about Liam’s compassion and tenderness?  Why do I focus on his boyhood energy as if it’s a bad thing?  Why do I not talk about how obedient he is most of the time or how his little mind is like a sponge (you should hear him quote memory verses and catechisms)?  And why do I not share with people how much joy both our children bring us and how much I praise God for these little jewels almost every day?  How sad I would be without them!

The reason I don’t is because I am still the worst of sinners regardless of the grace God has given me.  I am focused more on people’s attitudes toward me than I am the blessing God pours out for me every day.  I would rather make myself look good and my children look bad.  I am discontent with the (wonderful) lot God has given me in this world.  I still want to take all glory from God instead of living a life that is focused on His gospel.  Praise God that Jesus is still interceding for me every moment so that despite my vileness I will one day stand in the presence of His holiness!  How amazing!

My prayer is that God will show even more grace by opening my blind eyes to His goodness and the lovely children He has blessed me with instead of allowing me to give in to my instincts to see only evil when I see my children.  I pray that each time I am tempted to see their evil, I will first see the evil in my own heart and will show them a similar grace to the one God shows me each minute.  Will you pray with me?  

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Biblical Masculinity Wednesday, Dec 12 2007

I know it’s a little strange for me to write a post with this title, but I wanted to encourage each of you to listen to one of our pastors, Daniel Montgomery’s, sermon from this past Sunday.  He is doing a series on biblical manhood and womanhood, and focused on the dudes this week.  Though it was addressing manhood, I didn’t stop talking about it with Bill until 10:30 last night.

Here are a few things I really found helpful:

1)  Pointing out how masculine Jesus was even though our society tries to make him extremely feminine. 

2)  Seeing how unappealing chuch is for many men because of the lack of masculinity shown by most church-going males.

3)  Learning how to see my son’s aggression as a good thing that was given to him by God and looking at some ways to help him direct that energy for good, not evil.

4)  Being brought to tears once again as I praise God for giving me a husband who is truly a manly man, which equals being a godly man.

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My Husband’s Priority Thursday, Sep 20 2007

Bill and I have lately been reevaluating our priorities based on some new insights.  This mainly came after reading “Feminine Appeal” by Carolyn Mahaney.  In her chapter on working at home, she addresses the woman’s top priority–to be a helpmate to her husband. 

After talking with Bill about this chapter, we began thinking about how I would be the biggest help to him, so we looked at what was Bill’s greatest responsibility.  According to Scripture, this responsibility is to pursue godliness himself and to lead his family in godliness.  We began realizing that everything I do as a wife and mother needs to be centered around helping Bill in this pursuit.

Based on this knowledge, Bill began evaluating every aspect of our lives–our kids, home, food, health, sleep, schedules, activities, etc. and thought about how each area fits in to helping him achieve that goal.  He then began to delegate some new tasks to me, took some of my tasks away that weren’t important, and we both began to change our priorities.

Here are a few things we have changed: 

1.  I changed my exercise time to later in the day so I could sleep in thirty more minutes in the morning.  This way, I can stay up thirty minutes more the night before so we have sufficient time to talk about things and read and pray together.
2.  This may sound strange, but when I wake up at 4:30, I shower right away instead of waiting until he leaves for work.  When we have our quiet times during the same part of the morning, I selfishly can’t seem to stop myself from running to him to tell him something I’ve discovered or ask him a question.  Each time I do this, it takes away from his time with the Lord.  If I’m in the shower, I can’t disturb him. 
3.  When I am working with the kids during the day, I now think about their salvation instead of having a smooth day.  For instance, our main goals with Liam right now is to help him understand language.  The more he understands, the more Bill can teach him about our amazing Savior.  That’s a different perspective than I’ve had before.
4.  Many days I talk way too much when Bill gets home because I have hardly talked all day long.  Because I am married to the greatest listener in the world, my talking would often prevent Bill from doing his work at home or spending time with the kids.  We came up with several outlets for me where I can talk to other women during the day.  I have joined MOPS, go to a mom’s day twice a month at church, meet with another woman once a week, and have begun scheduling a play date once a month among other things.  Though my schedule is a bit busier, our marriage has been blessed greatly because I have become a better listener to my husband and I have freed him up more.
5.  I take the kids on an outing most afternoons and don’t return home until around 4:00.  Since Bill gets home around 3:40, this gives him a short amount of time to be completely alone (something he doesn’t get any other time of the day) to pray and gather himself before the demands of being a husband and father come bursting through the door.
6.  We have made diet, exercise, and sleep a bigger priority so we can have the energy to serve the way we need to. 

These are not the only changes we have made, but we have both been amazed how much God has blessed us for simply changing this priority a bit.  The decisions I have to make each day are clearer, and I have joy watching my husband and our family grow in Christ each day.

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