Four, For Real? Thursday, May 14 2009

Is it really, really true?  The little man in my life who I am totally in love with turns four today!?  No way!

My sweet Liam, can a mother’s heart burst any more with love for someone so small, yet so big at the same time?  God has brought me more joy the last four years through your life than I thought possible.  Obviously I could be wrong on this, but I have never met another preschooler who is funnier, more compassionate, or more loving than you.  No comedian could ever make me laugh as hard or as often as you do (not even Tim Hawkins).  Where do you come up with the things you say?  Your constant chatter from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep is filled with thoughts only a preschooler can follow.  Daddy and I have said, “I wish I could know what was going on in his little mind,” more times than we could count.  Just two days ago you made me laugh so hard when you told me what Miriam “says” by putting your mouth on my arm and rooting like crazy.  Then I laughed equally as hard when I asked you what you wanted for your birthday dinner, and instead of the expected random menu, you told me you wanted “peas, mashed potatoes, chicken, salad, and carrots with ranch.”  Well, my man, we are having that well balanced dinner while we celebrate you tonight (along with pirate cake of course). 

As our friend Lindsey and I have said, you are going to make one heckofa husband one day.  One boy with three (yep, three) little sisters.  You and Daddy are seriously outnumbered, but you don’t mind one bit.  Yes, sometimes you forget your sisters aren’t brothers when you try to wrestle Ariana or treat Esther like she’s a ball to play with, but most of the time you are oh-so-gentle, giving them plenty of kisses, playing sweetly with them, sometimes even giving them the toy you really want to play with.  They are so blessed to have a big brother like you.  What a great God to provide such a strong protector for them in addition to Daddy (that is what both your names mean, after all).

Watching you interact with others also bring me much joy.  You can give your full life synopsis to total strangers without blinking an eye, and your hugs and kisses are always ready for everyone.  We have had many men who are not yet fathers in our house, and I love the way they are shocked when you run to them before bedtime and smack a big kiss on them.  Then I love watching that shock turn into a sweet look of affection for you.  It’s amazing the ways God uses children to soften almost any heart.  It’s beautiful to watch you become sad to watch friends, big and little, leave our home.  I pray God continues growing that hospitality in your heart to love on others above yourself, showing the love of Christ to the world.

Praise God for our little Liam, and praise God for how much He has grown me in the gospel through you.  You constantly humble me as I sin all the time  in front of you, yet you constantly remind me of the cross because of your quickness to forgive me.  It’s the same kind of forgiveness we have in Christ–undeserved yet boundless.  What a privilege it is to be a mother, and what a privilege it is to have a son and a preschooler.  I love you dearly!

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The Birth Story Friday, Apr 17 2009

Here’s the birth story we promised, and let me tell you, it’s quite entertaining.

Our family was on our way to church for the 5:00 service on Easter Sunday.  When we took the exit, I told Bill I had already had 3 contractions in the van but said I wasn’t too concerned yet.  We arrived at church, and I took Ariana to her room while Bill went into the service with Liam and Esther.  For some reason my biggest girl decided to have a meltdown outside her door, so I ended up staying with her for a while so as not to disturb the teaching that was already in progress, the whole time feeling my contractions getting stronger and closer.  I don’t think I ended up in the service until 45 minutes late or so.  When I got in Bill started timing my contractions.  At this point they were making me tear up and were around five minutes apart.  I wanted to stay, though, so I simply sat when needed and took some good deep breaths.  I felt like our pastor kept giving me strange looks, but I always think he’s looking directly at me since I swear he has a camera in my house and writes sermons based on the sin he sees specifically in my life. 

When the service was over, we stayed and chatted while we waited for our babysitter, Rachel, to get there.  People have some great reactions when they ask your due date and you tell them you’re in labor right now.  Once Rachel arrived, we headed home and started making phone calls, though my wonderful friend and OB, Heather, was not one of those yet.  In fact, Bill posted about my labor on facebook right before we called her.  She found out because her husband, Chip, was the first to see Bill’s status and told her.  Oops!  She was so sweet and gracious, though, as always.

After my doula, Lorie, arrived, contractions progressed pretty quickly.  We decided to go to the hospital around 10:30 and left about 10 minutes later.  While Bill was checking us in, registration called upstairs and told them to come quickly because they thought this lady looked like she was about to deliver.  The wheelchair was there within five minutes and I was soon in the delivery room.  The nurse told me to go in the restroom to get in my gown and give a urine sample.  Bill went in with me, and we closed the door.

Almost as soon as I had given the sample, I looked at Bill with a panicked expression and started hitting the rail.  Bill asked what was going on but I couldn’t say anything.  Suddenly I started pushing.  Heather was already outside the door and heard me.  I told Bill I felt like I was in a cop show because at that point Heather started beating on the door asking me what was wrong.  When I wasn’t responding (except with grunts), she said, “Courtney, we’re coming in!”  I looked at her and said, “need. to. push.”

Heather:  O.K.  Let’s get you to the bed.

(someone’s hands helping me stand up, still over the toilet)

Me:  Can’t!

(gave a push and felt the head come out–put my hand under her head so she didn’t fall in the toilet)

Heather saw what was going on and was quickly there to catch, ahem, deliver Miriam the rest of the way.  I gave one more push and she was out.  She was delivered in her water which splashed on the floor once Heather had a hold of her.  I heard, “It’s a girl!” and broke into hysterical laughter along with my doula.  I looked at her and said, “Did I really just give birth?”  We were laughing so hard that everyone kept reminding me to look at Miriam.  I forgot she was there in the craziness!  She was absolutely beautiful, though it was hard to see her through all the tears I was crying from laughing so hard.

Bill cut her cord (in the bathroom), and they took me to the bed to deliver the placenta.  Miriam Elise was 7 lbs. 6 oz. and 19 inches long, born at 11:15 p.m., very healthy.  It took about 30 minutes more before the placenta came, and then it was pretty much over.  The nurse who got the call from registration said I delivered 10 minutes from the time I had arrived at the hospital.  Heather talked to Bill later and with a sweet smile said, “Cut it a little close, don’t you think?”  I don’t know.  I think I could have gone a little longer. 

I like to say I went in to give a urine sample and came out with a baby, but my father-in-law says that some day I will have to tell Miriam I pooped her out.  We’ll see…

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Meet Miriam Elise! Monday, Apr 13 2009

Miriam Elise Bell
April 12th, 2009
at 11:15 p.m.
7 lbs. 6 oz
19 in.

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Baby’s a-comin’ y’all!!!! Sunday, Apr 12 2009

Court started having contractions in the 5:00 Easter service at Sojourn.  We’re still home, but will be going to the hospital in a few hours.  Pray for us that all would go well.  We’re pumped and remember the bigger event we enjoy today:

HE IS RISEN!  HE IS RISEN INDEED!!!!

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Pregnancy Update Friday, Mar 27 2009

Some of you keep nagging, ahem, encouraging me to give a pregnancy update, so here is the little I have to tell.

Original due date was April 15th, but according to ultrasound and Baby’s size, they have pushed it back to April 27th.  My original prediction was that I would pop this little one out the first weekend in April (next weekend) since all three of my others were between 9 and 12 days early, but I am trying to wrap my head around the fact that it might be later than I had thought.  Depending on which due date you go with (we obviously prefer tax day), I am either 37 or 35 weeks along.

Everything is going well so far.  The best news I have gotten was that I don’t have gestational diabetes this time (I did with Esther).  In fact, this was my best sugar test yet.  Praise God!  I have been staying fairly healthy this time, walking at least five days a week, doing yoga, even some safe-for-pregnancy push-ups.    I also go to the chiropractor each week to try to stay aligned for delivery.  This has by far been my highest energy pregnancy, and it is making a huge difference at this point.  I have been able to stay more active with the kids and have been able to serve Bill better.  Yesterday was the first day I decided it was time to stop going down slides with Ariana, telling her I didn’t want to make Baby come early when I think he/she needs to cook a little longer.

I will be delivering at Floyd this time, and one of my friends and fellow Sojourners, Heather Lewis is delivering.  Woohoo!  I will also be having quite a full house in the delivery room.  Obviously Bill, my rockin’ doula Lorie, Heather, and the nurses will be there, but I have also invited my beautiful and wise mother and my dear friend Lindsey (who I think will be live blogging) to be part of the occasion.  We’ve never invited anyone else, and I am so excited to share this with them.

I will be attempting to have another natural birth.  The fact that I’ve done it before sets me at ease because I know what to expect, but it also increases my dread because I know what to expect.    I can honestly say, though, that this is the first time I have not felt anxious about either the delivery or the new baby.  I trust in God’s hand over this.

As always, I desire your prayers during this time.  We will keep you all posted.  As I said above, I think Lindsey is going to be live blogging (don’t expect any pictures of baby actually coming out), so that might be fun for some of you, too.

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The Natural Birth Tuesday, Dec 9 2008

Since Esther’s birth last February, I have had several people ask me what it was like to “go natural.”  One friend recently shared with me that I will often talk about what a wonderful experience it was but haven’t ever gone into detail about it with her.  I was convicted today that I have not given God enough glory for the experience I had.  So here goes–and when I say details, I don’t mean those kind of details.

Little background first.  Liam was my first delivery.  I labored naturally for 12 hours or so, got an epidural, and had a fairly uncomplicated birth.  I loved being able to just chill while I was laboring, so I didn’t really think about going natural with Ariana at all.  Ariana’s birth began with severe contractions 1 1/2 minutes apart.  Yep, that’s how they began.  We went to the hospital as quickly as we could, and I asked for an epidural almost immediately.  After it was in, I had a short moment of relief and began feeling slight contractions again.  When I mentioned this to the nurse, she said that was fairly normal and just to let her know if they got worse.  Two minutes or so after she left the room, I clutched Bill’s arm (did I draw blood, baby?) and while weeping said, “Something’s wrong.  Go get them.  It feels like something is ripping.”  They were back in the room in no time, and before I knew it they were yanking everything out of me, getting Bill in scrubs, and running me down the hall to the surgery room.  Ariana was born 20 minutes later by emergency c-section.  The placenta was tearing away from the uterine wall, and Ariana was being strangled by her own cord.  By God’s amazing grace (thank you, Daddy!), they got my little girl breathing after a while, and she is perfectly healthy and happy today.

Because the complications I had with Ari were rare, there was no reason not to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) with Esther; however, in order to decrease chances for another c-section or uterine rupture, I needed to go naturally.  In case you didn’t get that, I wasn’t being super woman.  I did it for safety reasons.  I wasn’t looking forward to it.  I knew what labor felt like, and I had experienced severe pain.  Many times I said, “No thanks.  I’ll take my chances,” and then realized my fear was a lack of faith.  I finally plunged in to the idea but had many sobbing moments with Bill when I would succumb to fear, not to mention several nightmare filled nights.  I was terrified but continued praying for a calm knowing God was in control.

Labor began one night in February, and everything went as smoothly as possible.  I had been in the hospital for about an hour when the “witching hour” began (transition moment right before you begin to push).  This is the worst bit.  I did all the things I never thought I would do during labor–screamed, rudely pushed a nurses hand off me twice, and had to bite my tongue so I didn’t bite someone’s head off for telling me what to do.    Not to be discouraging to all you who are attempting this for the first time, but it was the worst pain I have known.  During those minutes, though, something else was going on that no one knew about.  Worship.  Over and over in my head I kept repeating, “Oh God!  This pain is so much less than I deserve.  My sin is more wretched than this pain.  I don’t understand your grace!”  I was weeping and shouting half out of pain and half out of praise.  I would not have been able to dwell on those things in that situation apart from the Holy Spirit, and I am still in awe of the beautiful way God comforted me during that time.  I had never understood grace as fully as I did in that moment.  

I plan to go naturally again when it’s this baby’s time, but this time I almost long for the difficult moments.  They are a little taste of what I have been spared from and make my sweet, sweet Savior that much more glorious.

EDIT:  Bill wanted me to share that the pain got better after the witching hour, and that time didn’t last long–only 30 minutes or so.  He thought it wise to not scare anyone away from a natural birth, and he’s right.    Thanks, Baby!

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Baby 4 Update Wednesday, Dec 3 2008

We have had several friends ask for a pregnancy update, so here’s the pretty non-interesting scoop.  I had my first OB visit last week and my ultrasound yesterday.  I am 21 weeks along with a due date of April 15th–a tax baby.  I had been worried before my visit because I hadn’t felt baby yet.  My midwife had a difficult time finding the heartbeat but finally found a good, strong, beautiful one.  She said most likely my placenta is in a different position this time which would explain the difficulty in both finding the heartbeat and me feeling Baby.  The next day I began feeling him (we call them all him’s), though faintly.  Our ultrasound yesterday gave more assurance that all was good.  Baby was very active and had all parts.  It was the first time we were tempted to find out the sex, but we stood firm.    It’s always amazing to get to see your child while he is still in the womb.  What a miracle!  Thank you all for praying for us and loving us.  We look forward to introducing you all to our new little one in April.

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Two Already!? Wednesday, Nov 5 2008

Today is darling Ariana’s second birthday.  Of all the birthdays we’ve celebrated with our children thus far, this one has been the most difficult to believe.  I remember Ariana’s dramatic whirlwind birth, the announcement she was a girl, and the doctor’s working hard to try to get her to start breathing like it was just a few weeks ago.  I remember getting so excited and joyfilled every time she woke me up in the middle of the night because that meant I got to nurse her and be close to her (not kidding).  I remember her first big smiles, when she first sat, her sweet crawl, the way she grinned from ear to ear every time Liam was in the room.  I remember trying to get her to use sign language for “more” when she was 7 months old and her saying the word “more” instead.  I remember her first steps during our community group time.  I remember working on catechisms with Liam and asking, “Who made you?” only to have Ariana surprisingly answer “God!”

Ariana’s birthday is such a surprise because of sin issues I struggled with when Liam was a baby.  I was so focused on worry (will he ever sit, crawl, walk, talk?) instead of trusting God that I rarely treasured the little blessing God had given me.  By God’s grace, I became aware of that sinfulness by the time Ariana was born and was able to enjoy her (and Liam) without most of the fear I experienced before.  I think somewhere deep down I thought that if I soaked up every moment she would stay a baby forever.  Today I realize she’s not a baby anymore but a wonderful, beautiful, happy, submissive toddler–the next phase to treasure.

As is tradition, I ask each of you to write Ariana a note wishing her a happy birthday, sharing memories, blessing her, and/or praying for her.  We keep all these comments written for our children to be read to them in future years.  Thank you, sweet friends and family!

Merciful God, I will never understand the grace you have shown to us.  Was it not amazing enough to snatch us from the death we deserve through your perfect Son’s substitution?  But you just keep going, giving blessing after blessing we don’t deserve.  Some of the greatest blessings you have given me are in my children, and today I praise you especially for our second, little Ariana.  Thank you so much for using her to make us more like You, showing us through her example how to trust and be filled with joy even in difficult situations and how to show complete compassion.  I pray that you continue using Bill and me to show her the gospel in everything we do, that she will one day be redeemed from the bonds she is in and will live a life with the cross at the center of her very being.  Help her learn to be a godly little lady who by Your grace may become a godly woman, loving others more than herself.  My biggest prayer is that Your glory is expressed more magnificently through this child’s life as I have already experienced in so many ways.  You are good, and I praise you wishing I could do it better.  Amen.

Ariana and one of her favorite activities–putting stickers all over herself

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Helping New Parents Monday, May 12 2008

We have been blessed to have many people ask us often what they can do to help us, so I have decided to post a few things that have been the most helpful for us.  Please add your own in the comments section.

• prayer–I cannot emphasize enough how this is the greatest gift we have been given
• offer to babysit while the couple goes out
• do a load or two of their laundry
• clean their house
• provide meals, even after the first week or two
• hang out with the mother or father–sometimes we need adult conversation and encouragement
• send emails or cards to let them know you’re thinking about them
• offer to come over to watch the kids while the mother or father take a nap
• run errands (bank, groceries, etc.)–my wonderful friend Rachel just did this for me today
• take the kids out for a morning so the couple can have a chance to get some home repairs done
• bring them coffee or a good book to remind them to slow down every once in a while
• do yardwork
• gift certificates to stores with baby supplies like diapers (or one for a nice restaurant for the couple)

I hinted at this above, but often parents are forgotten after the first couple of weeks of the new baby’s birth.  We can always use help in these areas, so even if the youngest child is 15, these random displays of love are always needed, especially prayer.

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Focus On the Good Wednesday, Jan 9 2008

Sunday, I was slightly hurt when a good-intentioned friend brought my darling little girl out of the nursery at church and said, “Dra-ma!”  Worried, I asked what had happened.  Laughing, she told me how every time one of the other babies cried, Ariana would look up at her with puppy dog eyes because she also wanted attention.  She then went on to say, “I know you’ve told me how dramatic she is before, but I had never seen it.  She was so funny!”

Looking at a teacher with attention-seeking eyes didn’t seem so dramatic to me, and I wondered why she made a big deal about it.  It struck me that the key was in those words, “I know you’ve told me how dramatic she is…”  She was focused on it because I had brought her attention to it. 

All children are sinful, and there are definitely appropriate times when we should discuss their sinfulness with others.  One such time would be when seeking counsel about how to deal with the sinfulness from someone who has experience in that area.  However, as a mom I tend to only draw people’s attention to the evil in my children instead of the good.  This is a form of my pridefulness.  I don’t want others to think I’m vain about my children; instead I want them to think I’m a good mother who is aware of every area of sin that my children show (a.k.a. that I’m not one of those parents who somehow manage to overlook their child’s obvious sinful patterns–please note sarcasm toward myself) .  

God began convicting me deeply that day about my attitude toward my children.  Why do I never tell people how fun and joyful Ariana is or how concerned she gets when any member of the household is upset?  Why do I not talk about how easy-going she is (especially considering she has a two-year old brother)?  Why do I rarely talk about Liam’s compassion and tenderness?  Why do I focus on his boyhood energy as if it’s a bad thing?  Why do I not talk about how obedient he is most of the time or how his little mind is like a sponge (you should hear him quote memory verses and catechisms)?  And why do I not share with people how much joy both our children bring us and how much I praise God for these little jewels almost every day?  How sad I would be without them!

The reason I don’t is because I am still the worst of sinners regardless of the grace God has given me.  I am focused more on people’s attitudes toward me than I am the blessing God pours out for me every day.  I would rather make myself look good and my children look bad.  I am discontent with the (wonderful) lot God has given me in this world.  I still want to take all glory from God instead of living a life that is focused on His gospel.  Praise God that Jesus is still interceding for me every moment so that despite my vileness I will one day stand in the presence of His holiness!  How amazing!

My prayer is that God will show even more grace by opening my blind eyes to His goodness and the lovely children He has blessed me with instead of allowing me to give in to my instincts to see only evil when I see my children.  I pray that each time I am tempted to see their evil, I will first see the evil in my own heart and will show them a similar grace to the one God shows me each minute.  Will you pray with me?  

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